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Software Vault: The Diamond Collection
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The Diamond Collection (Software Vault)(Digital Impact).ISO
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kimbaker.zip
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KIM02.TXT
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1995-02-18
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I am taking a brief detour from the auto-biographical component of my
story to examine a deep depression I was in recently. I mostly feel
great about my decision, but on Sunday I felt very unstable,
desolate, a great emptiness, lonliness and a sense of total
isolation. I liken this to withdrawal symptoms from a drug. (I am
fighting fit again, as I write this, by the way).
I do not have the benefit of an exit counsellor - I am dealing with
this on my own. My friends on a.r.s, a.r.s itself, and Bent Coryden's
book are a lifeline to me. I do not have a "live" person, who was IN
Scientology to speak to in the city where I live, though. So, I am
"counselling" myself. I looked at that isolation and despair that I
was in, and forced myself to analyse it, to conquer it. My goal is
NOT to "cave in" as they would have me do, I aim to recover to the
point that I am happy and prospering again.
SOME THOUGHTS ON LEAVING A CULT...
Cults, by their very definition, are marginalised from society. When
one joins a cult, one learns gradually to accept a unique construct
of reality. Scientology, in particular, has just developed a whole
language to support that definition of reality. Just as an inability
to speak French precludes a German from understanding a conversation
amongst a group of French people, so the "language" of Scientology
precludes understanding by those who have not learned the dialect.
This is a very subtle emotional trap. Because if the cultist wants to
leave, s/he is faced with social isolation. S/he has this reality
which cannot be shared with friends who do not know the dialect. How
do you explain the following to someone who knows nothing of
Scientology? (Note: translation will follow)
"Your ethics are out, so your dynamics will cave in. You need to
be CAUSE over your Bank, and stay connected to Source. If you
don't, I will KR you, and depending on how out-ethics you are,
this will go up-lines."
That was an example of fairly low-level jargon. To an "outsider", it
means nothing. Translated into English:
"You have violated the moral code of Scientology, and the
various areas of your life will be adversely affected as a
result. You need to keep your Reactive mind under control, and
keep studying and applying the philosophy of L. Ron Hubbard. If
you don't do this, I will report you, in writing, and depending on
how serious your crime is, it will be reported to higher
authorities within the Scientology organisation."
The deeper into Scientology you go, the more difficult it is to
translate:
"You have flipped into an SP valence - you are stuck in an
incident on your time-track, and dramatizing. You will be denied
Eligibility if you continue, and you will miss all those LFBD's.
Disconnect, or else!"
(Said to me some weeks ago by a Sea Org member).
Translation:
"You have assumed the identity of a suppressive person (by
definition, a suppressive person is hostile to Scientology).
You are acting out a role, not being the real YOU, from one of
your past lives. If you continue to behave like this, you will not
be allowed to do the OT Levels (upper levels of Scn auditing),
and you will miss getting rid of all that "charge" (which
measures on the e-meter by a specific kind of needle reaction).
Stop reading a.r.s., or else!"
There are deeper levels than this. These two "light" examples are
sufficient to demonstrate the subtle mechanism which excludes the
cultist from normal social inter-action. The deeper the cultist goes,
the more dependent they are on fellow cultists for communication and
social interaction - and the more difficult it is to leave and re-
intergrate into normal society.
I am sure that these thoughts are not new, but I thought I'd share
them, as they are very real to me right now. I understand why people
commit suicide, and how difficult it is to leave a cult. I have no
intention of giving them the satisfaction of doing myself in. I have
every intention of surviving, getting my true personality back, using
my experiences to help anyone else recover, and of re-integrating
into society, doing well, and being happy!
In Part 3, I will continue with the autobiographical story.
Kim Baker
Kim Baker
Cape Town, South Africa E-Mail: Kim@uctlib.uct.ac.za
______________________________________________________________________
"Thoughtcrime is a dreadful thing, old man. It's insiduous. It can get
hold of you without you even knowing it."
- From "Nineteen-eighty-four", George Orwell